The Disappointment Trap

I had a long conversation on disappointment and what it’s true nature is. After that it came to me that it is really a very subtle trap. We think it’s about others, but it’s not.

Let’s unpack this. Someone does something or doesn’t do something and we feel disappointed in them. Why? Because they did or didn’t do something we expected them to do or not do. Is that about them or us?

Yes, I know, maybe they gave their word. Maybe they promised you something. Maybe they just didn’t act the way you expected they would act based on past behavior, or the role they play in your life.

The key word here is expected. I don’t know about you, but it expectations that always get me in trouble. Why, because they are belief systems, our belief or our operating systems. Our culture tells us that in a given set of circumstances someone should act in a particular manner. Why? It is not their job to meet our expectations. They don’t even know we have them!

In my thinking, should is a word that doesn’t deserve space in our vocabulary. It’s a scapegoat. It’s unwanted advice. It’s judgement. It’s superiority. It’s finger pointing. When paired with expectation and/or disappointment it is a gaping hole of a trap. We fall in. We are off the hook. After all, look what that person did? Humpf.

While all the while it’s us. Now, I’m not saying that we are at fault. We have had experiences that scream in our psyche, but we cannot hear them. They are silent controls. They are learned patterns of behavior.

There is a way out. That is to carefully examine the disappointment. First, is it your expectation or society’s? If it’s society’s, does it make sense? Do you have experience to know if it’s true? Do you, the feeling person that you are, agree that it is reasonable, or just a label of someone, maybe centuries ago used to keep themselves safe?

I’ll let you in on a little nasty secret. In my case I used to pair disappointment with a belief that people should be better than they often are. Why? People are people. They are where they are. They are battling their own demons of outdated beliefs. Who appointed me judge? Why my learned behaviors and beliefs that haven’t served me in years, of course. It was such a freeing feeling to be rid of disappointment.

How about you? Does disappointment sap your energy and ability to grow? How long do you want to carry that in your backpack?